Laying it all out there

All through the night I’ll be watching over you
And all through the night I’ll be standing over you
And through bad dreams I’ll be right there baby
holding your hand, telling you everything’s going to be alright
When you cry I’ll be there baby
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful
So don’t you worry
I’m your angel standing by

–Jewel–

I was very young when Jewel’s first album came out.  I think maybe I was 10 or 11.  It wasn’t until I was a couple years older that I actually started listening to it and totally fell in love with it.  I listened to that CD for years, all through high school.  It’s been years since I’ve listened to some of those songs, but I was browsing iTunes the other day and decided to preview the songs to bring back some memories.  The last song on the album is called Angel Standing By, the lyrics are up there, and are simple, but reassuring at the same time. 

This past month I’ve been replaying things in my head over and over again.  All of the “lasts” that I had with my mom.  Knowing that we were drawing in on the one year mark.  Feeling like a year seemed to go by so quickly, yet so slowly at the same time.  Having a year full of days where there wasn’t a single one that went by that I didn’t think about how I wished I could share something that happened with her. 

Sometimes there comes a time when you have to acknowledge that what you’re doing isn’t working.  I tried to chug along this year and focus on my responsibilities–the responsibility of being a good wife, taking care of an elderly father, fulfilling the duties of my job.  But in trying to do all of those things, I neglected to focus on the responsibility of taking care of myself.  I’ve participated in therapy for about a year and a half–I began going when my dad became very ill and nearly died.  I struggled dealing with the eventual mortality of my parents and felt a lot of guilt surrounding his illness.  Guilt that I couldn’t prevent bad things from happening to the people that I love.  I realize that seems like an irrational guilt, but sometimes people have irrational feelings.  I needed help learning how to cope better and learning how to ask for help sometimes.  Of course I had no idea that just a few months after I started seeing my therapist that I would lose Mom.  I continued to see her throughout this year, but it wasn’t enough.  I was treading water for so long and I was running out of strength.  With the encouragement of my sweet husband, I went to the doctor to ask for medication to help.  And it has, to a certain degree.  It certainly doesn’t solve my problems, but it at least leaves me feeling more capable to deal with them, and more motivated to try harder.

But even with the help of therapy and anti-depressants, there’s no denying that the one-year benchmark of a loss is something I’m struggling with.  Along with my sadness, I’ve held on to a lot of anger this year.  Anger at things that were said to me in my mother’s final days, or things that went unsaid.  My whole life, everyone always told me how similar I was to my mom, in my appearance, my personality, and my kind heart.  Everyone who knew her had nothing but kind things to say about her, and after she passed, I heard so many times that she was loved by so many.  But despite being told my whole life how alike we were, I haven’t felt the love from our extremely large family much at all in this past year.  And I suppose some of my anger comes from that.  Again, I try to be rational, knowing that others are grieving a loss also, and that everyone deals with that in their own way, but I can’t help but feel that what made me family to so many people was my mom’s presence… and that without her, I’m just another person.

But it’s time to let go of that anger.  It’s not healthy for me, and it doesn’t solve anything.  My mom would tell me to forgive.  And I don’t think that forgiveness is for the other person, I think that forgiveness is something you do for yourself.  You don’t have to have an apology from other people, in fact, they can even refuse to acknowledge that they were in the wrong for anything at all… you can still choose to forgive them.  For you.  And that’s what I’m working on doing.

Going the Distance

A couple years ago, I got this beauty for my birthday:

I pined for this bike for weeks, maybe months.  A pink Schwinn cruiser.  It was exactly what I wanted.  But then I got it, and I used it a few times, and then it sat for a long time.

Until recently! 

The weather in Central Illinois in mid-march is usually still pretty cool.  It’s not uncommon to have snow this late in the year sometimes.  But this year, not the case.  We’ve had record-breaking temps in the mid-eighties for about a week now!  It’s unbelievable!  I’m glad it’s not snow, but I miss SPRING!    Anyway, it’s provided some lovely evening opportunities for Eddie and I to ride our bikes for a little while after dinner!  We’ve only done this a half a dozen times maybe, but I think our progress has been great!

The first time we rode, we rode for about 20 minutes, and only went about 1.3 miles.  Last night we rode 2.3 miles in less than 17 minutes!  I highly recommend the iMapMyRIDE app, which tracks our route, how far we went, how long we rode, etc.  It’s fantastic!  I just turn it on, put it in my pocket, and ride!  It does the rest. 

One of the goals on my 101 in 1001 list is to bike 5 miles.  I don’t think I’ll have any trouble reaching that goal–probably within a month!

2012 Goals Progress (2 of 12)

1.  Send 12 letters via snail mail (In Progress: 3 of 12)

2.  Read at least 1/2 of my “to-be-read” (TBR) list (In Progress: 8 of 25)

3.  Create a family blog  (Complete!)

4.  Get 50 followers to new blog (In Progress: 10/25  There are 10 of you!  Wahoooo!  Sidenote: subscribe!)

5.  Write in new blog 50 times this year (In Progress: 11/50)

6.  Earn $100 in amazon giftcards via swagbucks this year ($0/100 so far)

7.  Give 10 handmade gifts (In Progress: 1/10)

8.  Complete Pinterest 12 in 2012 board (In Progress: 2/12)

9.  Set up guest room (No Progress)

10.  Use nook to rent library books at least once/month (In Progress: 2/12)

Many the Miles

The last twelve months have certainly been a year of travel for our household!  My husband and I knew that we’d be travelling to a number of states on a planned road trip, but we also got the unexpected opportunity to visit a few more as well.

Our year of travel began last year, sadly, when we experienced a couple deaths in our family.  First, in April, I lost my mom.  My sister, who lives in Louisiana was heading North and we were heading South to meet halfway, in Arkansas, so she could attend my mom’s services.  Just a couple months later, in June, my sister had the tragedy of also losing her mother, so Eddie and I hopped in the car and headed South again, this time all the way to Louisiana!  It was wonderful getting to see my sister twice in such a short amount of time, but just wish they both didn’t have to be surrounding such sad circumstances.

Our next travels were for pleasure, however!  We went on a nearly three-week road trip West!  Going on a roadtrip was one of the items on my 101 in 1001 list, so it was great to check that off!  It was awesome, though I’ve learned there are parts of the country that I’m not a huge fan of.  Our trip started by taking a trip down Rt 66 all the way to Amarillo, TX.  Of course we didn’t travel the exact 66 path, though we did get off the interstate a few times to travel two lane highways to see some of the tourist attractions along the way!  We also took a trip down the “Sidewalk Highway,” which is a stretch of ORIGINAL 66… I do not recommend this… we have an SUV and it was still the roughest ride I’ve ever been on!  Live and learn!

After hitting Amarillo, we jumped Northwest to head to the mountains.  I have a cousin in Colorado Springs, and we were fortunate enough to get to visit with her family the evening we were there!  The next day was spent driving through the Rockies–this was one of the parts I wasn’t fond of.  It was beautiful, but my car-sickness and altitude-sickness was in full-force!  The next couple of days were spent driving through Utah, Arizona, and Nevada (we also hit up the 4 corners!).  There was so much empty, dry land (it was during a drought!) it was depressing!  I was so happy to see Vegas when we got there!

After a fun 24 hours in Las Vegas, we were off to California and the Pacific Coast!  Driving up the coast was amazing (though again, the car-sickness… ugh!), and Northern California is now in competition with the Oregon Coast for my favorite place travelled so far!  We got to watch the sun set over the Pacific (neat, because on our honeymoon to St. Augustine, FL we got to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic!) before our journey back East to Illinois began! 

The stretch through the Columbia River Basin in Oregon/Washington was beautiful, along with the landscape in Idaho, though the scenic route we took was so curvy, and I spent much of our day in Idaho sleeping to keep from getting sick!  Next came Montana (which I thought we’d never get out of… that is one big state!), which by far had the most beautiful purple sunset I’ve ever seen!  Then we were on to our last big attraction before home–Mt. Rushmore!  I really enjoyed that experience, much more so than I thought I would… I mean it’s just some dead presidents carved in the side of a mountain right?  But it’s so gorgous, and so much bigger than you imagine… I loved it! 

The last leg of our trip took us briefly through Minnesota, then through Iowa, and finally back into northern Illinois–Galena to be specific!  That’s such a beautiful little town, and one that Eddie and I were happy to re-visit!  It was the first overnight/weekend trip that we took together the first summer we were dating, and it was lovely to get to end our trip (and celebrate our 2nd anniversary) together there! 

I thought our travels were done for quite awhile, but then last month we got the opportunity to visit family in the Wisconsin Dells for a week!  We spent the week at a resort with an indoor waterpark, and it was tons of fun, but getting to see our little niece all week long was for sure the best part! 

I doubt we’ll be travelling out of state again in the next month or so, so our grand total for the last year of travel (from 4/2/11 to now)  is 22 states, which includes our own–we travelled completely south and also entered from the north and travelled to central IL, so I for sure count it as a state that we travelled in!

Looks like next time we’ll have to go East!  The New England area has always been a place we’d like to go, so maybe in the next couple of years we will get the opportunity to travel that way!

Where has been your favorite place to travel? 

 

My Valentine

I know I recently wrote an entry all about the special dude in my life, but today I thought I’d reflect back on our Valentine’s Days that we have spent together in the past.  This will mark our 5th V-day together, though the first one we spent together was not really us celebrating the holiday, so much as it was me tricking him to come out with me and him tricking me into thinking I was buying our drinks all night, when really he was.

I’ll elaborate…  Eddie and I went on our first date on February 12, 2008.  He didn’t want our first date to be ON V-day, because then what if it’s awkward, we don’t get along as well as we did on our friendship interview, or whatever.  There would be these expectations because it was this romantic holiday… so, we went out a couple days before.  Our date went well, and if my memory serves me correctly, Valentine’s Day was on a Friday that year.  I texted him after work and casually said that I was going out for a drink after work, and if he’d like to join me, he was more than welcome.  I knew he’d come.  He liked me:)  Sure enough, after finding his way to the bar after bad directions on my part (I’ve lived in this area my whole life, but apparently I didn’t know that the street I “thought” the bar was one, was actually a block to the west… so he was standing on this vacant corner, calling me, thinking I was tricking him!), he and I spent the evening together flirting, playing pool, and having a few drinks… that I thought were being put in my tab.  At the end of the night, when I went to close my tab, the only drink on there was the original one I’d purchased before he got there.  Tricky, that boy.  About a week after that V-day date, we became an official couple.

Not officially a Valentine's Day image, but this is our first picture together, about a week after V-day 2008.

 

The next year brought us falling madly in love, Eddie’s romantic proposal on Navy Pier in Chicago (in the freeeeezing cold!), and our first Valentine’s Day as an official couple in 2009.  Eddie got us reservations at the same restaurant we had our first date at the year before, and we had a delicious Italian meal.  Before dinner though, I had created a scavenger hunt for him through my apartment to find all his Valentine’s Day goodies… my clues even rhymed.  I was pretty badass.  After dinner we went to a local cupcake place and got some cupcakes for the road, then went back to my apartment to enjoy them, along with the makeshift cannolis I had tried to make.  They weren’t good, but Eddie pretended like they were.  I also got a dozen Gerbera Daisies–my fave.

 

Valentine's Day 2009 before dinner at Biaggi's.

 

2010 brought our first married Valentine’s Day!  We were fortunate enough to get to go away for a weekend to celebrate!  I ended up having the Friday and Monday surrounding V-day off as holidays for work (Thank you Abe Lincoln & all Presidents everywhere!).  We drove down to Gatlinburg, TN for the weekend.  The drive down wasn’t bad–about an 8 hour drive, but weather was pretty good until we got there.  When we got there, there was snow, but not bad snow by Illinois standards… however, in Gatlinburg apparently there are not snow plows and salt trucks like we’re used to up here!  Roads and sidewalks were soooo slick, and unfortunately because of the weather we weren’t able to drive through the Smokies because all the mountain roads were closed!  We still managed to have a great time though!  We ate at Bubba Gump, the Hard Rock Cafe, went to Ripley’s and the aquarium, and also took a giant cable-car-type ski lift up one of the mountains to this ski lodge/resort place.  Once we were there, we had the option of taking a regular 2-person ski lift farther up the mountain… dangling over terrifying pits that would likely take your life if you fell… I was TERRIFIED to ride one of these things.  It took probably 30 minutes of convincing on Eddie’s part to convince me to jump on the ski lift (while hoping that it doesn’t knock me off the ledge into one of the scary pits of doom).  Finally I got on… and practically hyperventillated all the way to the top of the mountain!

Valentine's Weekend 2010--My look of terror after jumping on the ski lift! Nothing says romance like the possibility of falling to your death!

 

Last year for Valentine’s Day, Eddie got us reservations at a top-secret location.  He made me put a blindfold on as he drove through the streets of town, turning unnecessarily, trying to throw me off.  I have an excellent sense of direction though (just ask him about the time we went hiking at Kickapoo… that’s all I’m sayin’), and knew exactly where we were before I even took the blindfold off!  It was still a surprise though, and a tasty dinner to boot!

 

2011 Mystery V-day Dinner!

 

This year Eddie and I are staying home for Valentine’s Day!  Eddie’s making what is sure to be a super tasty dinner, and I’m in charge of dessert.  We both made gifts for each other, though I’m sure my Pinterest-inspired gift will not be nearly as cool as the gift he’s been constructing in the garage for days… all I know is that it involves wood, glass, mirror, white paint, and pink glitter… the possibilities are endless!  It’s sure to be a nice night in, celebrating the ones we love the most! 

 

Valentine’s Day Swap!

I had the pleasure of participating in a Valentine’s Day Swap via my pal Meg’s blog!  She and two other ladies hosted the swap:

I ended up getting paired up with two lovely ladies instead of the traditional one partner–but it was OK, I enjoyed getting to shop for twice the goodies!  My first partner was Rachel.  She sent me some really great goodies, pictured below!  I got a great bright pink makeup bag (my favorite color), along with a new eyeliner (much needed), some MAC eyelashes, and a gorgeous pair of earrings!  I have been known to be picky about my jewelry, but these are earrings I would have totally picked out myself!  I love them!  She also included a heart-shaped Reese’s peanut butter cup, but I ate that sucker up!

My second partner was Mrs. Monologues!  She sent me some great Valentine’s Day goodies too, but unfortunately one of my items didn’t make it in one piece!  Super bummed about that, because it looked like a super cute pink heart V-day mug–accidents happen though!  The other items arrived perfectly in tact though!  She got me a super cute pair of pink heart socks (not pictured cuz they’re in the laundry!), along with some holiday cookie cutters (perfect, because I love to bake!), and these great V-day pencils!  Some of the pencils have little owls on them, and I totally love owls!!!

I hope you ladies also had fun and enjoyed your goodies!  I had fun picking them out, and I hope to get to do swaps again in the future!

Dogzilla

We are fortunate to have a fairly large back yard for our girls to run and play in.  Our neighbors across the street also own the vacant lot next door to ours, and the wife runs an in-home daycare.  Oftentimes the kids will play in the vacant lot on the swingset or just run around being goofy kids.  Usually when the dogs are out, they will venture up to the fence to say hello.  I guess one day, one of the kids must have lost their naked Barbie in the exchange…  because Dora found one.

She looks so triumphant!

 

 

2012 Goals Progress (1 of 12)

I’ve been diligently working on my 101 in 1001 up there for a couple years now.  However, this year I decided I’d also have a list of goals for the year, on top of the 101 I’m already working on.  I jotted down 10 things I’d like to accomplish, and I plan to review them monthly to see where I’ve come with them, as well as remind myself what more I need to do to complete them!

1.  Send 12 letters via snail mail (In Progress: 1 of 12)

2.  Read at least 1/2 of my “to-be-read” (TBR) list (In Progress: 4 of 25)

3.  Create a family blog  (Complete!)

4.  Get 50 followers to new blog (In Progress: 8/25  There are 8 of you!  Wahoooo!  Sidenote: subscribe!)

5.  Write in new blog 50 times this year (In Progress: 6/50)

6.  Earn $100 in amazon giftcards via swagbucks this year ($0/100 so far)

7.  Give 10 handmade gifts (In Progress: 1/10)

8.  Complete Pinterest 12 in 2012 board (In Progress: 1/12)

9.  Set up guest room (No Progress)

10.  Use nook to rent library books at least once/month (In Progress: 1/12)

Meet the Fam

Eddie and I don’t have kids yet, but we do have a houseful!  We’ve got three cats, which I had before we met, then less than a month after getting married, we decided we wanted a puppy.  For the next 6 months, I wanted to give her back.  But now, I’m glad I didn’t!  Almost a year ago, we also happened to adopt a second dog, though we didn’t initially have plans to.  Sometimes you pick them, sometimes they pick you.  I’m proud to say that all five of our animals are shelter pets (nothing against those who don’t adopt shelter pets, but for me, that’s where it’s at!).  So, this is our big happy family.

Five and a half years ago, I had just gotten my first “grown up” apartment, and I was determined to get cats!  Our local shelter has a BOGO type of deal with adult cats, to encourage people to adopt adults.  Everyone wants a cute kitten, but sadly adult cats get looked over a lot.  So, I went probably half a dozen times, making sure I was getting cats that were a good fit for me. 

This cat was always laying on a bright pink blanket when I went, and loved to be petted.  I knew she was for sure one of my two!

My pretty girl, or PG for short!

 I also would always be approached by a gorgeous (but slightly overweight!) gray tabby.  He would jump on me and let me pet him every single time I was there.  Long story short, I ended up coming home with a cat that looked identical to that cat, but his personality was just the opposite.  This cat is a cranky old man, but I love him.

Every once in awhile he'll jump up on your lap and accept a few pets... before biting you and running away.

About a year later, I was working as a case manager for adults with developmental disabilities.  Sadly, one of my clients passed away suddenly, and I took on the task of finding a home for her two shelter cats–a cute cuddly kitten, and an adult cat with vertigo.  The kitten was easy to find a home for, but Sam was kind of a special-needs kitty, and I decided to take him in.

 

He's dizzy from time to time, but super loving!

 

Although the cats didn’t quite like it when we first brought a dog (and then another!) into the house, they (mostly) got used to it.

 

The first dog we got was a 12 week old puppy–a coonhound & shepherd mix.  Two smart breeds.  Too bad Dora didn’t get the smarts…

Dora has also developed epilepsy, so we now have two special needs animals, but with meds, she stays seizure-free and goofy as can be!

Our little Lucy is Dora’s total opposite… she’s small, not nearly as feisty, and kind of afraid to have fun (and she hates toys!), but somehow she and Dora make their friendship work.  I can’t remember what our house was like without her spunk!

 

Lucy is a huge smiler, I love it!

 

It’s a whole lotta legs going on in our house, but we make it work.  There isn’t anything like smooches and snuggles from furry family members (my husband included)!

 

Best friends!

 

 

January, in Photos

As part of my 101 in 1001, I want to complete a Project 365.  For those unfamiliar with the project, the goal is that you take one picture per day, for a year.  At the end, you’ve got a year of your life, documented in photos!  I decided to start this on my birthday last September, so instead of a calendar year, my project documents my 28th year of life.  I guess technically it’s a Project 366, what with this being a leap year and all!  I’m a little over 1/3 done with the project, and each month here on out, I’ll document that month’s pictures.