This week is Infertility Awareness Week. I feel like I’ve been making all of my readers aware of infertility for quite some time now. I try to be honest, open, and transparent about our infertility struggles, because I know we are not alone. This week, however, you may see more people sharing about their struggles because of the awareness week.
Last Tuesday we received word that none of our embryos survived to our planned Day 5 Transfer. We were sitting in our hotel room, waiting to head the 3 miles to the clinic for transfer when we got the call that there was no need to come in. I had worried that this would happen, heck, I had even suspected it. When you’re used to the only kind of luck you have being bad luck, you learn to anticipate the worst, but hope for the best.
It’s a very weird feeling to grieve for something you never had. To grieve for potential little lives that could have been your babies. It somehow seems different than the grief you feel when you get your period each month after hoping that your efforts were fruitful a couple weeks prior. You’ve put so much time, effort, energy, and money into the pills, injections, invasive tests, travel expenses, and then in one phone call, it was all for nothing. You feel somehow like your grief shouldn’t be as bad, because at least you didn’t get pregnant and then miscarry, and you don’t want people to think you’re being unreasonable for the sadness you feel in your heart when it doesn’t work out. Not just sadness for yourself, but also your spouse, who is also grieving and feeling the same sense of loss you do.
So I took a few days to grieve. To just be sad, to cry, to feel sorry for myself and my husband. And then you have to figure out if it’s worth doing it all over again and maybe not having any different result. For some people, that answer would be a definite yes. Some people feel the pull to be a parent at all costs–emotionally and financially. Some people would feel incomplete without a child in their life. But then there are some people, like Eddie and I who are also content as just a couple. We would love a child, we would welcome a child, we would kick ass at parenthood, but we don’t necessarily feel deeply empty inside because we haven’t reproduced. So we will take the time to decide what is best for our family, whatever answer that may be.
But for now, being a family of two is pretty great, and I wouldn’t trade my mister for the world. He’s been an amazing sidekick, not just through this journey, but through our entire life together. I definitely got the best.